Edibles & Antiquing

And the Gilmore Girls

It’s full on Fall in the Chicagoland area - the magical kind of Fall where it looks as if it’s snowing, but the “snow” are yellows, oranges, reds. Leaves are way bigger than snowflakes so they take their time to circle around a bit before falling. It’s magic. I can hear my mom saying “I love the four seasons! How could anyone possibly live in a place without SEASONS? Except maybe Hawaii.”

I was driving in this magical Fall “snow”storm, and I just started singing out loud to myself the theme song from Gilmore Girls. You know the one: Where you leeeeeead, I will follooooooow. I was thinking: When was the last time I saw Gilmore Girls? It was when I was going through a break up with this guy who I thought was going to be my forever guy, the barber. I remember questioning everything at that time with him. We had just moved in together and things were weirdly different. I remember not being sure if we were going to make it or if I wanted to continue dating him. But we just moved in together! I was unemployed at the time - my most favorite job ever at the most lovely jewelry store with an amazing boss and awesome crew had just closed our brick and mortar. Dream job, gone. Dream life with my BF and his dog, not exactly what I thought. I was spiraling. And I was binge watching Gilmore Girls.

How many times do we distract ourselves with TV? Any time I’m going through a breakup, I always always always binge Sex And The City. When I first broke my arm and couldn’t go anywhere/do anything, I started Ted Lasso and Only Murders In The Building.

Wherever you are in your life, TV gives you perspective. Every time I watch an episode of SATC, there’s always a new takeaway. I’ve seen those episodes to the point where I can quote them in the same voice inflections as in the show. It doesn’t matter the situation with the guy I’m with, there’s always a bit of the TV life that brings a perspective shift to my life.

When I first started this Substack, I was angry. I was in the thick of watching Real Housewives with their petty drama and petty people. No one was trying to be better. No one was trying to understand. No one was giving their “friend” grace and kindness. I plowed through four seasons (truth be told I skipped season three) of RHSLC.

Stay with me here - I have been watching RHOC and RHONY since their very first episodes. I even found a way to watch them when I didn’t have cable. I’ve come to understand those characters… as characters. I can easily look away from the TV screen and simply say “Ohh that’s just Ramona, being Ramona” and “There goes Tamra being explosive Tamra again”. I have been with them enough that I write off their behavior/apologies/promises as part of their character. It’s silliness with really cute outfits. It’s a fun distraction. You bitches are crazy!

I’m just learning about the Salt Lake City people so I’m very easily sucked into the drama because I expect better from them. If I hear someone say “let’s never do THAT again”, I expect that they will keep their promise. I don’t know them yet so I’m expecting the best from them. But four seasons in, I get it. I’m angry too! Somewhere between RHSLC episodes, I started this substack. It was speaking to me. The angry person in me wanted to be heard. But I had to turn that show off and take some space. That drama, that sense of urgency to scream at someone without even letting them speak, that rage of throwing a glass against a wall - that is no longer serving me in a healthy way. It worked for a bit, but that distraction is no longer doing it for me. Thank you, Next.

I repeat binge shows like SATC, Ted Lasso, Schitt’s Creek over and over and over again. These shows have gotten me through some really fucking hard times. I could feel their pain and watching as they worked through that felt assuring/hopeful. Sometimes a character didn’t have the outcome that they wanted, but it was still an outcome that they had to learn to deal with.

Right now I’m back to OMITB and it’s giving me the sense of camaraderie and connection. Also I have two friends in quarter 4 of their life that I love hanging out with - just like Mabel with Oliver and Charles.

I think the shows that we are drawn to always bring out that part of us that’s just trying to survive whatever we were experiencing in life.

There’s a lot of things to distract. When my mom first died, I did a lot of diamond art - monotonous but creative. It felt like I had a purpose - a framed finished piece of diamond art. Whenever that wave of sad and depressed crashed into me, I sat down (on the couch I hated), and completed one color.

My grief has evolved into other distractions. The title to my current memoir should be Edibles & Antiquing. And solo dates.

I’d like to brand a new word that sums up: solo as a good thing. I’d like it to mean MORE that “finally a night to myself” and “finally a night away from my kids”. More than “finally I get a minute to treat myself”. I want this word to be the answer to “Who do you go to the concert with last night?” Me, myself and I. I want that equivalent word to sum up the feeling I get when I can go to whatever restaurant I want and order whatever food I want. I can arrive early or late. I have full reign over the remote control. I turned off my phone all day, popped an edible and went to the spa. What is a word to sum up ALL OF THAT?

Because THAT is how I’m trying to connect with me. Not caretaker Jen. Not daughter Jen. Or Auntie Jen. Just me, myself and I. I’ll be honest, I don’t know how to easily just tap into that. I have to really work at it. I was taught by my mom. She was THE best mom because she made me feel like I was her entire world. And I was. And so was my brother. Which means, where is there room for HER?

Occasionally my mom did something for herself, but learning from her meant that I learned to do that same thing THE SAME WAY SHE DID IT: put others first and squeeze yourself in… when you absolutely need to. But try to just find the joy in other people. Try to only resort to something for yourself when everyone else is taken care of.

I want the solo thing I’m doing to mean MORE than “squeezing yourself in”.

I went to a concert alone last weekend. I thought about who I would ask, looked through my phone and quickly heard myself saying “just go alone”.

IMMEDIATELY I HEARD “LOSER!!!”

As in “you loser, going alone?! To a concert?!”

I sat it that uncomfortable moment. I thought about hearing someone’s voice in my head calling me a loser… for wanting to go to a concert alone. Sitting in this, listening to that voice, made another voice come into the conversation.

And yes I fully realize I’m writing about the voices in my head. You have them too.

This other voice was mine. Calmly questioning. Treading very gently. Coming to the conversation with a genuine curiosity: Wouldn’t going to a concert alone be awesome? I can leave whenever. I can treat myself to dinner before wherever I want. I can probably steal a better seat because I’m only a party of 1. I probably could even scooch my way to the front row. Would it be OK if I went to the concert alone?”

[She immediately buys tickets]

And that is grief too! Sitting in the uncomfortable of what you’re programmed to do: we are hard wired to do the things we learned in the exact way we learned them. I’m hardwired to put the other person’s needs before mine. And that’s a beautiful thing to posses. And it’s also something I’d like reprogrammed… especially since it is just me, myself and I in my life right now. The only person I have to take care of is myself. When are we ever in THIS position in our lives? I don’t have children or a partner, and my mom died. So it truly is JUST ME.

So can we come up with a word like “Just Jack” but for Jen?

~ Just Jen

But let’s NOT call it that…

At that concert, I asked a bartender working in the VIP section (the only female I saw) for a tampon. She not only provided that, but she also invited me to her VIP section and offered me the signature branded booze-in-a-can of the night. I stood next to awesome, friendly people! I danced! I had the best time! I tried a new sushi restaurant before the concert and THIS came out:

Let’s find a word for THAT!