Should I stay or should I go?

I'll decide that.

One of my college friends invited me to be a part of her daughter getting her ears pierced. We booked the appointment, met at the mall and she picked out the perfect starter stud. Her mom and I were shocked at how anti-climatic the actual piercing was - “not like back in the day when we got our ears pierced at Claire’s” (also in the mall). We grabbed lunch afterwards and shared stories about getting our ears pierced: What grade were you? Do you remember your 1st pair of earrings? Who actually noticed your earrings when they saw you? I was honored that they invited me. And further, they waited an entire month for the one day in December that I truly had “free”. It was the most beautiful and special outing.

I balled on the way home.

I haven’t seen or spoken to my niece and nephew in over a year. And it breaks my heart. IT BREAKS MY HEART! MY HEART IS BROKEN! I feel like Miranda in the SATC movie screaming this at Steve in the street!

And as much I want to SCREAM this into the world, there’s moments like my story above - my friend’s daughter asking if Kripee can come too - that make me feel so special and loved. And it’s not just her daughter. It’s all my friends with kiddos. Some of my friend’s kids call me Auntie even though we’re not blood! And I love it. I LOVE IT SO MUCH! I want to shout that from the rooftops - I love your kiddos! And I LOVE that your kiddos LOVE me:)

Kripee. Auntie Jen. Auntie Chen (J’s are difficult for kids!).

Mel Robbins wrote a book that explains this dynamic so beautifully: Let Them. It’s already a best seller because it’s so simple: “Let them”. Let people be who they are and live their lives. You get to decide how you manage yourself and your expectations while living yours.

For the sake of protecting the confidentiality of people I’d like to scream at, I’m calling “the collective”: Trish. I don’t think I’ve ever met a Trish in real life, and hardly anyone is named Trish these days. It’s also the pseudoname used in the hilarious movie Barb & Star Go To Vista Del Mar! Please watch this immediately to feel good!

The theory of Let Them is a 2 parter:

Part 1 = Let THEM. Allow people to be where they are, as unhealthy as they are, as horrible as they are, as unaware as they are, as totally f*cked as they are, as toxic as they are, as ignorant as they are, as ruthless as they are… Let THEM.

Allow Trish to be where they are, as unhealthy as they are, as horrible as they are, as unaware as they are, as totally f*cked as they are, as toxic as they are, as ignorant as they are, as ruthless as they are… Let Trish be Trish.

Part 1 is “easy”. You just sit and watch the movie. You are just there in the movie theater, eating popcorn, watching the screen. There’s nothing that you can change: the seat location, the seat comfort, the volume, how many coming attractions are advertised, who sits in front of you or behind or right next to you. LET THEM.

Part 2 = Let YOU. Practice who YOU want to be. Set boundaries according to the behaviors you find acceptable. Release your grip on that feeling of controlling what someone else is doing. Figure out how to deal with a situation in a healthy way. Allow in more of the things that make you feel safe, loved and truly you.

Part 2 is the hardest part of all because YOU now have to make a decision. I always hear the song by The Clash in my head:

Should I stay, or should I go?
Should I stay, or should I go?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay, it will be double
So come on and let me know

Again - let them do what they’re doing. And then YOU will make the decision to stay or go. And yes, each decision will have consequences. But you’re in control of deciding: do you want trouble… or double trouble?

Within this Part 2 is layers and layers of figuring out so much about yourself: How do you process your emotions?

My parents and all the Trish’s in my life did not/do not know healthy ways of processing. They only know toxic, immature behavior because they learned it from their parents, who learned it from their parents. Rage texts, screaming matches, Facebook fights, slamming doors, breaking things, throwing things, calling names and the absolute worst: the silent treatment.

None of those things are FIXING anything. These are the tantrums adults have! It’s the exact same thing as a kiddo crying because it’s time to go home from the super fun birthday party - it’s big feelings! I don’t want to go home! I’m not done playing with my friends! I’m overly tired but I don’t know how to say that! I’m on a sugar high but I don’t know how to say that! So I’m going to scream and cry and stomp around so you KNOW I’m mad!

We have big feelings as adults too. I don’t want to sit here on this terrible date! I hate that your mom stops by without asking! I hate that Uncle Whoever is a political idiot! I don’t want my kid hanging out with THAT kid! My mom died and I don’t know what I’m doing! My dad died and I feel so sad! My boyfriend broke up with me and I’m heart broken! My best friend is engaged and I hate her ring and her fiance! I hate this hotel manager for not upgrading my room! I’m giving this Uber driver 0 stars for not knowing my exact address! I’m never shopping here again because they’re so inefficient with one cashier open!

As adults, can we tap into our inner knowing and see what’s really under the hood? At Sad Camp we called it “going to the basement”. Keep asking yourself WHY until you get to the real issue. Why am I REALLY mad at her/him? Why do I REALLY think that? It’s probably deep inside and very, very difficult to access. Which is why part 2 is extremely hard: it’s a PRACTICE. You will have to work at this little by little, day by day, fight by fight. It will not be easy. I imagine Andy in Shawshank Redemption planning his escape. There were so many layers to his escape: slowly chipping away at the wall in his cell, unloading the excess rocks into the outdoor area, skimming money from the warden’s illegal income, swapping his shoes, waiting for a thunderstorm…

It took years. He didn’t just have a great idea and implement it the next day.

It took years.

This will take you YEARS. Chip away bit by bit.

Every generation we get a little bit better than the last.

It’s ‘normal’ to want to try to change your people: Mom, go to therapy! Dad, eat better! Kids, read more! Husband, pitch in more! Wife, initiate more! We see the potential in people, and that’s great! YES! I’m not saying to stop that. Believe in your people!

But know TRISH will not change. Remove even thinking about changing Trish. Trish will do more, do better, do different… when she can.

Let me say that again: when they are ready, they will. (They may never even get there). Until then, let them.

Let Trish scream at me the day my Mom died. Let Trish not invite me to Christmas. Let Trish hang up the phone on me and never call back. Let Trish never speak to me again after a horrible first (and last) vacation together. Let Trish call me a narcissist. Let Trish tell me “We’ve all lost people - you’re not special”. Let Trish not return my calls. Or texts. Or emails. Let Trish stop calling me after my mom died. Let Trish throw therapy and Sad Camp in my face. Let Trish keep their kids away from me.

How do I process my emotions? I write. I cook. I Facetime my friends. I book solo trips. I book solo concerts. I’m figuring it out. I’m chipping away bit by bit. I also cry. A lot. And I buy plants. And then vintage vessels. And then more plants. And then more vintage vessels. And I’m in therapy.

I’m not perfect. I’m figuring it out. And in the mean time, I’m trying so hard to let Trish be Trish. And after checking in, I realized I don’t really like who I am around Trish.

(We’re still in Part 2 by the way - Let YOU)

Where do I go from here? I decided that I don’t like who I am with Trish… as things are now. Do I write Trish a text asking to grab coffee to talk? Do I blast Trish all over social media for being a shitty person? Do I call Trish’s friend and talk shit about Trish to that friend? Do I ghost Trish?

Depending on which of these “choose your own adventure” options YOU pick, Trish will respond (or not, that bitch.)

LET THEM.

Back to Part 2 again - I get to decide what I want to do after Trish responds. I GET TO DECIDE.

Should I stay, or should I go?
Should I stay, or should I go?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay, it will be double
So come on and let me know

Trish, I'd like to sit down, grab coffee and talk things out. I will give you my full attention and feedback and share my experience with you and ask the same in return. Are you at a place where that sounds OK to you?

No? That’s fine. I’ll be here ready to talk when you are.

Yes? Great, let’s pick a place.

I still think Trish is a bitch, but I don’t have to spin about that. I’m learning to deal with Trish in the most healthy way I know how, right now. I’m learning to be better, chipping away at that wall, bit by bit. You be you, Trish.

Until then, I’ll be the best Auntie to my family/friend’s kiddos. And they’ll keep asking me to do cool stuff with them like get their ears pierced, play cars, color and maybe get tattoos… when they’re old enough.

~Jen