The Disney Hug Rule

My craziest story ever around the election

You know when people say “WOW - you should write a book!” after you tell a crazy story…Here’s one of my (many) crazy stories:

I remember the day after election day - the day Trump won many years ago.

I was the store manager for an upscale denim store, and that morning (of all mornings!) we had a floor set scheduled. This is when a few people from my team come in super early and re-merchandise the entire store. This was the big one too - prepping for the holiday!

I got to the store alone and it was still dark outside. It must’ve been 530/6AM.

As usual, I unlocked the front door, walked inside, set my matcha and lunch bag on the little ledge next to the door and went to close and re-lock the door…

And I heard a noise. Like a presence.

“Hello?”

No lights were on. Did someone from my team get to the store before me? Wait I definitely heard something right?

“HELLO???”

Just then a head peeked out from the back of the store. I screamed “OHH MY GOD!” The head revealed a woman: short, disheveled, black, clearly not expecting me. She spoke “lemme talk to you for a minute”.

The only thing my mind could make sense of was to scream “Have you been stealing money from the register this whole time?” And then I speed walked out the front door leaving my matcha and lunch to call the police.

To connect all the dots here, that woman was a former employee who had been living in my store with her daughter and boyfriend. She had her keys still (there were clearly horrific management problems long before I came) and was stealing small amounts ($5, $10, $20) from our cash register every night. I remember my boss discussing this “issue” with me on my very 1st day of work. She explained that someone on my current team was stealing cash from the registers. We had a game plan and a whole spreadsheet to see who closed the night before, who opened the following day, is it more than one person, etc. This was going on for months. This day, the day Trump won, was the day we connected all the dots.

That time BEFORE connecting the dots was so difficult. Nothing added up. I was suspicious of every woman on my team. I was also their new manager (after horrible management) so they were suspicious of me. I remember emailing some of the women scolding them for not picking up jeans that were left on the floor in the sale section: “please be more conscious of all areas of the store before you leave for the day”. Can you imagine what that’s like to get an email from your new boss telling you to clean the store better… when you thought you left everything perfect? And they DID leave everything perfect, but there was an ex-employee using those jeans as a makeshift pillow/bed.

The time AFTER the dots were connected though was equally as difficult, in a different way. While we could all breathe a bit more calmly knowing the woman, the missing money, the odd piles of clothes left in the sale section, etc. were now connected, this terrible man had been elected our President. I had a queer woman on my team and mothers and people with disabilities. This new president presented a scary future for all of those women on my team.

I did what I thought we all needed: we sat together. We brought chairs from the back room into the middle of the store. Someone made cups of tea for everyone. And we sat. Together. At some point we even locked the door to the store. We couldn’t deal with customers on this day, of all days. We sat sipping our tea from store open until close, people leaving when their shift was up. We collectively needed to feel held, and we did that for each other. It was a collective life-changing moment. I’ll never forget where I was or what happened that day.

It reminds me of the many times in my life where I needed to feel held… without asking for it. And the same goes for others I was with. Please just witness me - I’m having a really hard time and I don’t know what I need.

The whole weekend of Sad Camp.

The night after a dance where we found out my sorority sister/friend had died on her drive to the dance.

The day my mom died.

There are no words. But I was surrounded by people. I wasn’t alone.

Yesterday I snapped at my therapist. She said to me “you are not alone.” And my snap answer was “No I am absolutely alone.”

What she meant was: “your feelings are normal. You’re not alone in your feelings. Other people have loss like yours. Other people feel the way you feel. This is totally normal. You are not alone.”

Yes, my experience and feelings may be similar to other people and that sense of community is beautiful…

AND…

I am physically alone. I have community but I’m alone in my journey. It feels like being on a solo road trip - I can listen to whatever music or podcast I want. I can stop for a pee break or to grab lunch at Cracker Barrel (my mom’s and my fav roadtrip stop - the shopping!) But in the end, I’m on this road trip solo. That sense of community is there when I pull over, otherwise I’m flying solo.

One of my best friends is going deaf. She’s one of the most incredible people I know and currently taking accelerated courses in ASL to become an interpreter. She’s running into so many issues because she’s not completely deaf, but she’s also hard of hearing. She doesn’t fit into a specific category: deaf or hearing. She has community but is also alone in her journey.

I was so grateful to be surrounded by my team on that terrible day years ago when I found the woman living in my store. I imagine they were grateful to have a day to not feel so alone. We had community but each one of us were also alone in our journey.

I heard that in Disney, the characters are supposed to hug until the child lets go. The rule is based on the idea that you never know how much a child might need that hug. And kiddos can hug for as long as they want.

At my mom’s wake and funeral, I remember telling everyone that they gave really good hugs. I was craving embrace. I was craving a connection so intimate that I was being held in their arms. Maybe my chin could rest on their shoulder or better yet I could turn my head so my cheek could rest almost childlike. I could feel them breathing. I could feel them crying. Could they feel me crying?

I remember living in New York where my only friends were the women that worked with me and my 2 roommates. Both of those types of relationships felt not very hug-friendly. And New Yorkers don’t really hug. They do the air kiss on the cheek. Or the double air kiss. But that’s all I wanted living in New York was a hug. I even remember getting dangerously close to becoming the obnoxious person who proclaims “I’m a hugger” and goes in for a big squeeze.

There’s been videos of adult kids and parents putting paint on their forearms and hugging each other in a blank sweatshirt. This solidifies the hug forever in paint on the sweatshirt.

Little kiddos give the best hugs because they lean their whole body into it. Babies will bury their face in your chest or hold onto one of your fingers so tightly. It’s impossible not to feel that love! That safety! That comfort!

Some of the best huggers of my life= my nephew: he would come full force running into the most gigantic hug. My old boss, Lindsay: she would hug you (after the NY air kiss) and wiggle her fingers to give you like the the tiniest bit of a shiver tickle movement. My mom would be quick about hugs. I remember not letting go and fake screaming “huuuuug meeeeeee Mom!”. She always always always hugged us. And she was the BEST tucker-inner. You know the feeling when someone covers you with a blanket when you fall asleep? My mom would do that AND tuck me in. She would make sure there weren’t any openings for cold air to sneak in, and that my feet were extra tucked in.

I spent last weekend with my dad’s side of the family. Growing up I only saw them a few times a year to celebrate the big holidays like Christmas and then any milestones (graduations or weddings). My cousins are about 10 years older than me and their kids are about 10 years younger than me so I fall right in the middle. We definitely all hug hello and goodbye. I fell asleep on their floor in that dreamy timeframe between whatever you did that day and dinner time. My cousin covered me with a blanket and it was gave me a feeling I didn’t even know I needed.

Think about the Disney Hug Rule the next time you hug a kiddo. Hugs are an integral part of human communication. They require no words but can say so much. Can I hug you until I’m ready to let go… like the Disney Hug Rule? Or can you just sit with me. I’ll make you a tea. And then we can sit together and drink our tea or wine or whatever you want.

~Jen