The Girl In The Movie
Ohhh hi Grief, I didn’t see you there.
I’m having a griefy day. That happens a lot after I have a really, really fun day… which I had yesterday.
And it sucks extra because I had plans with 2 different people today and they both cancelled.
So I’m stuck in this griefy spot. And that’s not a sad spot necessarily. I don’t feel SAD. I feel GRIEFY.
Sometimes I ask myself “if I were the girl-in-a-movie right now, what would the griefy girl who lost her mom be doing?”.
I do this often in my life - I remember walking out of a job interview and calling my brother to tell him that it went really, really well. He told me he imagined me looking like Anne Hathaway in The Devil Wears Prada.
Hearing him say that made me FEEL like the girl-in-a-movie. I was confident and held my head a bit higher knowing “I’m totally getting this job”. I was THAT girl.
Recently I found my trusty old leather portfolio. The one that I carefully placed my crisp resume (2 copies, just in case, always be prepared, yes Mom I got it) into and carried to every single job interview from age 22 till whenever people stopped asking for paper copies. Inside the portfolio, was a handwritten note from my brother. He stayed overnight in one of my city apartments and must have left way before I was awake. And he left me a note, on the only paper he found which was a legal pad attached to the inside my portfolio. The note said good luck on my interview and then he signed it “Eric Kripas 27”, his favorite hockey player’s number. That’s still one of those ridiculous things where only a little brother could get away with a signature like that well into his 20’s.
He signed almost every birthday card “Eric Kripas 27”. You don’t realize the last time you’ll see someone’s signature. Handwritten notes have become texts. Cards for any holiday becomes “Love, so and so and their partner” or a family photo with a list of names/ages and “Happy Holidays”.
So in this griefy place, I ask myself “if I were the girl-in-a-movie right now, what would the griefy girl who lost her mom be doing?”.
I picture this griefy girl in an oversized shirt with sweatpants wandering around her apartment with a steaming cup of matcha (not coffee - it’s my movie!). So I get up and I make myself a matcha. And while I’m there, I Facetime someone on my list of people who I feel completely secure to interrupt their day. Any chores I do are scattered. Putting my matcha mug in the dirty dishwasher brings me to folding the towels left in the dryer which brings me to emptying the linty screen thing which makes me think of texting my mom “what IS that linty thing called? Does it have a name? Do you have a linty thing on your dryer too? YESSS MOM I know you have one. YESSS I’VE EMPTIED IT EVERY LOAD. No I promise! I know you have one. OK fine I didn’t empty it every single time. I’m sorry. I love you.”
The above conversation with my mom doesn’t make me feel sad. It plays like a video in my head. I can see her exact facial expression. I can hear my exact tone. I can picture her leaning on the countertop in her kitchen eating a spoonful of ice cream Facetiming me. Baskin Robins Peanut Butter & Chocolate. Although their pints taste a little different from their ice cream scooped in store. One of us always said that- sometimes I would wait for her to say it first JUST so I could say back “I KNEW you were going to say that Mom!”
Ohhh hi Grief, I didn’t see you there.
So again, I ask myself “if I were the girl-in-a-movie right now, what would the griefy girl who lost her mom be doing?”.
This is what I do during my griefy days. I decide what version of the girl-in-the-movie I want to be. Sometimes I see myself as her sitting up in bed holding a stuffed animal listening to every single voicemail my mom ever left me… even though she started every single voicemail with “I know you’re never going to listen to this, but…” - THE Ultimate Sad Girl
Sometimes I see her watching an episode of RHOC and making a 2nd matcha of the day - the Girl Who’s Taking It Easy Today
Sometimes I see her getting up, getting dressed and heading to my fav coffee shop, Trader Joes and might even pop by an antique shop - the Girl Who’s Getting Shit Done
Sometimes I see her packing a pool bag, pouring a fancy spa water (toss in slices of cucumber, instant relax mode) and heading to the pool - the Girl Who Needs Some Rest & Relaxation
Sometimes I see her packing a carryon and going anywhere but here - the Girl Who Needs A Change Of Scenery
Sometimes I see her going out, laughing and having a really, really good time - the Girl Who LOVES Her Friends
Sometimes I see her WANT to be alone - the Girl Who Got Lost In An Entire Day Of Binge Watching And Has No Idea Where Her Phone Is
Sometimes I see her playing a card game at a table with old friends and new friends, screaming out UNO or BULLSHIT until midnight - the Girl Who Loves Good Ol’ Fashioned Fun
Sometimes I see her just staring off into space - the Girl Who Gets Lost In Her Grief
Sometimes I see her flirting - the Girl Who Wants To Feel Loved
Sometimes I see her surrounded by other griefy people and think “we’re just all showing up in the best way we can” - the Girl Who’s Grieving So Many Things
Sometimes I see her writing. And dang when she’s writing, I get an energy like if I really was the girl-in-a-movie, She’s got this confidence about her. Like she’s an actual artist where you can’t give her an assignment and it gets completed in a timely fashion. No no no, it’s more creative and magical. It’s an artform. It’s writing. It’s my thoughts placed deliberately on this screen. It’s me sharing my deep personal thoughts.
And then my mom pops into my head saying “Oh my god JUUUUST like Sarah Jessica Parker on that show you like! Sex And The City, right!”
And I respond “yesssss exactly - you GET it Mom”.
So here I am, writing. That’s who I’ll be right now. Practice make progress. And you can always be a different girl from the movies… tomorrow…
~Jen